lost

i have been thinking about writing this post for a little while now. debating whether or not to write it at all, and debating further whether to push the publish button. please, be nice.

in october, kameron & i found out that we were pregnant. it was so, so surreal. we were so happy and immediately started to dream about all the things we would do with our little one. i begged and begged him to reconsider my favorite name and he was so good to me (as always).

at the beginning of november, we had our first ultrasound. i knew immediately that what i was seeing on the screen was not matching up with how far along i was. the techs were so kind and reassuring. we saw the doctor (who turned out to be a total jerk) and he was exactly the opposite. i appreciate a straight shooter, but he didn't even try to sugar coat what he was telling us. it will not end well. that's what he said. come back in a week to compare the progress.

so we found a new doctor. there was growth, but just not enough. that sweet little baby just wasn't growing fast enough. we went back to our new (amazing) doctor for one last ultrasound before they were ready for us to make a choice on how we wanted to proceed.

a few days before thanksgiving, we said goodbye to the little life we barely knew. it sucked. i could not understand why it was happening or what i did wrong. i am young and we are both healthy, so how could it be happening to us?

it's something that i truly did not understand until it happened. i always read things about women who lost their babies and thought to myself at least it wasn't a full term baby or at least it wasn't older and i realize now how awful it was of me to think that. and if you never have to go through a loss, i can never expect you to fully understand. that's not supposed to sound mean. just...how could you understand?

honestly, it still sucks sometimes. i get the occasional overwhelming bout of jealousy when i see pregnant women. it seems like every other person on my facebook or instagram is about to have a baby or has just announced that they're pregnant.  it hurts to think about where i would be now. how big would my bump be? would i crave weird things? (i did crave one thing during my short pregnancy...onions. i know.) i have a barely used book in the drawer of my nightstand that i would read every night. i hate opening that drawer.

i know that our time will come and that "it wasn't meant to be" (please do not say this to my face or i will sincerely consider punching you in the teeth), but i'm not patient (i know, how surprising!). So excuse me while i "like" every picture you put up of your babies and impatiently wait for one of my own. Please also excuse my random crying (it's getting better, okay?) and disgusting skin while my hormones (still) get back to normal.

thanks for letting me get it all out.
xoxo,
e