lost

i have been thinking about writing this post for a little while now. debating whether or not to write it at all, and debating further whether to push the publish button. please, be nice.

in october, kameron & i found out that we were pregnant. it was so, so surreal. we were so happy and immediately started to dream about all the things we would do with our little one. i begged and begged him to reconsider my favorite name and he was so good to me (as always).

at the beginning of november, we had our first ultrasound. i knew immediately that what i was seeing on the screen was not matching up with how far along i was. the techs were so kind and reassuring. we saw the doctor (who turned out to be a total jerk) and he was exactly the opposite. i appreciate a straight shooter, but he didn't even try to sugar coat what he was telling us. it will not end well. that's what he said. come back in a week to compare the progress.

so we found a new doctor. there was growth, but just not enough. that sweet little baby just wasn't growing fast enough. we went back to our new (amazing) doctor for one last ultrasound before they were ready for us to make a choice on how we wanted to proceed.

a few days before thanksgiving, we said goodbye to the little life we barely knew. it sucked. i could not understand why it was happening or what i did wrong. i am young and we are both healthy, so how could it be happening to us?

it's something that i truly did not understand until it happened. i always read things about women who lost their babies and thought to myself at least it wasn't a full term baby or at least it wasn't older and i realize now how awful it was of me to think that. and if you never have to go through a loss, i can never expect you to fully understand. that's not supposed to sound mean. just...how could you understand?

honestly, it still sucks sometimes. i get the occasional overwhelming bout of jealousy when i see pregnant women. it seems like every other person on my facebook or instagram is about to have a baby or has just announced that they're pregnant.  it hurts to think about where i would be now. how big would my bump be? would i crave weird things? (i did crave one thing during my short pregnancy...onions. i know.) i have a barely used book in the drawer of my nightstand that i would read every night. i hate opening that drawer.

i know that our time will come and that "it wasn't meant to be" (please do not say this to my face or i will sincerely consider punching you in the teeth), but i'm not patient (i know, how surprising!). So excuse me while i "like" every picture you put up of your babies and impatiently wait for one of my own. Please also excuse my random crying (it's getting better, okay?) and disgusting skin while my hormones (still) get back to normal.

thanks for letting me get it all out.
xoxo,
e

i'm back!

Thoughts of a smart girl is back in session.

Updates since my last post?

Well, I finished my first World Beer Tour at Old Chicago (this is a big accomplishment for me, I don't like beer. Don't ask why I did it), had and interview for a job I really wanted but didn't get, Capone came home, we went back to Iowa, went to a Vertical Horizon concert, a good friend from home visited, my cousin moved back home :(, and Juneau got sick. Twice.

I'm sure that's not all. But it's all I can come up with right now! I am still trying to re vamp this baby a little, so bear with me please! I am blog illiterate.

This is a short post, but I just wanted to say that I'm back :) And I will leave you with a picture...

He is just as crazy as he looks.

xoxo,

e

days go by

Where is all the time going? We have been here just a month, although it doesn't feel like it. I could swear I was celebrating graduation with my Alpha Chi ladies just the other day.

So far in Colorado, we have discovered our Chinese takeout spot, a sushi place, and Old Chicago (necessary). We really need to try to develop our cooking skills a little more :) We both love the area we live in though. Yesterday we went and got K's new UNC card and walked around campus a little. I am so proud of him for going to grad school.

Two weekends ago, K's friend came. It was fun, and a nice change to our solitary-ness. Not that we don't love each other, but it was nice to see a familiar face from back home. This weekend, his younger sister and her boyfriend are coming, as well as my aunt and younger cousin. My aunt is coming to see my other cousin though, but I am excited to see them on Saturday. I wish my mom could have came with, but I definitely understand her need to be home. Can't wait to tackle the great shopping here with her though :)

K and I both got part time jobs, which is great. I am still on the search for full time (hire me!) but I am thankful we at least both have something. Also, our puppy was born on 7/10! K has decided that his name is Capone, and we can't wait to go get him on Sept. 2nd. Juneau keeps us busy and happy too. She is kind of a diva, which I personally love because I'm kind of a diva too. She currently enjoys long walks, laying on the porch, popcorn, and her shark. She does not enjoy baths or bedtime, and is a little bit whiny in the mornings. We are similar :)

I don't have much else to write at the time. I do, however, want to shout out to my friend Kylea, and wish her a happy birthday tomorrow! We were friends in high school, and since she moved all the way to Idaho have drifted. But we both have husbands, nooks, and a blog, so we're starting to reunite :) Happy birthday ky!

P.S.- I STILL cannot get my pictures to work! I can upload them but when I try to publish my post, it turns into a bunch of computer codes and says error. Any blog friends have advice?

Oh blog. I don't even know where to start. I typed up an entire entry a few days ago, and it disappeared. Frustrating. But I am over it now :)

Ahh Colorado. I like it here. I miss my family & friends in Iowa very much. It makes me sad to think about. But I know that we will see them soon, and it will be so much fun to be reunited. Distance does make the heart grow fonder. It has been soo nice here and the people are wonderful. There is a Buffalo Wild Wings and Old Chicago within a mile, as well as a Target. So great. It helps that the view from our balcony is gorgeous and that there is a great trail around our lakes. It's just peaceful here. (side note: the Target here is not a Super Target, and it's such a letdown)

Over the past week, we have gotten our furniture/belongings, done some outings with K's parents, I had an interview, it was my birthday, we went to Denver, and then we got a dog.

Wait, what?

I'll start from the beginning. Last Thursday, as planned, K's parents arrived with our precious U-Haul and helped us unload way too many things. I was very glad to sleep in a bed again. We went to Longmont to the Left Hand Brewery, which was awesome. It's a very cute little place with lots of character. The weather was great, and we had a fun night. For the rest of the weekend, the boys built a desk and nailed things into the walls, and K's mom and I shopped for random things and drank skinny girl margaritas. We also went to this great little restaurant in Fort Collins called Fish. I can't wait to go back. Then Sunday rolled around and they had to leave, which was sad and made me want to go with them.

For the 4th, we didn't do a whole lot. Our deck is (apparently) a prime location for fireworks, considering that we saw probably 10 different displays over the course of the night. We made jello shots (yes, we are that lame) and just hung out and grilled for the day. It was nice to enjoy the day with my new hubby and not really worry about anything.

Tuesday was my birthday, wahoooo! We went to Denver for the day, my first time there. K started the day off for me wonderfully. Breakfast in bed, followed by a Nook (I didn't even think I would be getting a gift!) and I just about died from how great he treated me. (not that he doesn't always treat me great, I was just so happy!) In Denver, we got Noodles & Co. for lunch which was so good, and then went to Cherry Creek Mall. Which is not super special, except for that there is a Tiffany's there, which I went into twice :) I don't know what it is about that place, but I can't get enough of it. We had dinner at a place called Kona Grill with my cousin, and then came home to relax.

So this brings Wednesday. The day of Juneau. Let me start off by saying that I am normally very much a planner. I live by my plans and I hate straying from them. Until this lovely Wednesday. K and I went to Old Chicago for lunch (yay free pizza for my birthday!). Afterwards, we went to PetSmart because it is on the way home, and we are getting a puppy in September. And I am obsessed with the dang place. So we go and they have cats/kittens for adoption. I start to play with them and we decide, hey, maybe we want a companion before September. So we inquire about adopting and the workers tell us that the cats are from the county humane society, and long-ish story short, the process will take a few days. Have you met K and I? We are not that patient. So the woman tells us we can go to the humane society instead to speed up the process. On the way, K mentions the word "dog"...couldn't tell you in which context, but it stuck in my mind. So when we get there, we go straight to the dogs. And there are a few cute ones, and I feel terrible for them. We go around the corner and there is this beautiful, cute, charming, awesome little husky. With blue eyes. Are you kidding me? In my mind, we might as well leave now, with her. In K's mind, I think he felt the same, only he would never admit it ;) So we have a visit in this little room alone with her, and bam. We are sold. We can't leave without her. So much for a cat. Hey Juneau! She is seriously the best dog ever. My heart literally feels like its going to explode because I love her so much.

Anyways, Thursday. Bad interveiw. Not bad, but I could not ever work for the company. Didn't feel right or like home. I got invited back but politely declined. Something felt shady and uncomfortable. I was supposed to have 2 but one rescheduled. Oh well, Monday awaits. I applied for like 12 jobs later that day.

And now we are at the weekend. Which consists of Juneau, Juneau, Juneau. I love her. Say whatever you want, life doesn't always work out how you plan. I feel good about rescuing her and can't comprehend what I would be doing right now if we didn't have her. I can't wait to go back to Iowa in September so that she can meet our family and friends. And so she can experience a Cyclone tailgate with her little bro :) After we had a Hawk fan move in next door (really, of all the people?), every living organism in this house will be a Cyclone fan.

Tomorrow, my cousin is (hopefully) coming up. We plan to hike Devil's Backbone and have a little fun :) Hopefully there are more interviews and more fun set up for the next week! I know I said I would post pictures next, but I am pretty sure that's why my last post disappeared. I will keep trying!

Until later,

xoxo e

Mountain Time

Hello from Colorado!

This is weird. Maybe it's because K has been busy for the past 2 days, so I sit at home car-less, tv-less, and jacked up on iced tea. I wake up every day (so far) at like 8 or 830. Really? Who am I? Maybe it's because I'm not used to mountain time yet, so my body really thinks I am waking up at 930. Also maybe it's because I'm sleeping on the world's most uncomfortable air mattress.

It is freaking hot in Colorado. It's freezing at night (K likes to sleep with the sliding glass door open) and then it's like two thousand degrees of just pure hotness during the day. I'm used to Iowa where it's humid and hot and you feel sticky instantly when you go outside. But here, instead of sticky I feel dehydrated and like I am starting to shrivel up. I'm sure it's all in my head.

I am trying moderately hard to get settled here, which is difficult because we don't have all of our stuff. Thankfully we will have it by Thursday night, but then comes the unpacking part which makes me tired just thinking about it. Living on the second floor is so great because there is a gorgeous view and it makes me feel a little safer, but carrying all that stuff up the stairs makes me want to ask our downstairs neighbors if they'd like to trade apartments. Mostly everything that we brought with us in our cars has been unpacked with the exception of clothes. I have become mildly obsessed with our Keurig (chai tea!) and iced tea maker. I didn't even like iced tea two weeks ago and today alone I have finished almost a whole pitcher. K bought a router for our internet yesterday which I am extremely grateful for, because I spent a good hour sitting in our closet where the ethernet is hooked up so that I could be online. Cable doesn't get hooked up until Saturday, so the router has been especially wonderful today. My cousin Gretchen and her roommate came to visit me yesterday, which was awesome because it kept my mind off of moving and being alone. I am excited to go visit her in Denver soon (they have a Tiffany's there!) and for our outing with the boys to a Rockies game.

That's all for now. I'll post again after we get our stuff!
xoxo e

life as a wife

I am happy to say that K and I have been married for almost 2 weeks now and are both still happy and alive ;)

The wedding was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for a better day/people there/reception/groom/anything else. It was just awesome. I will admit that I am slightly relieved that it is over, but it was well worth all the stress and planning.

We also enjoyed our week in Jamaica. I really should post a picture, but unfortunately that will have to wait, as my camera cord is packed somewhere in the depths of our belongings. The honeymoon was so relaxing and nice after a week of chaos. The weather was beautiful and the staff at our resort were all so nice. I wish we were still there!

It doesn't feel super different (yet...?) being married. The only difference I have noticed is that it's really hard to sign K's last name in cursive, and that sometimes people ask me about my husband and I do kind of this confused look like I don't really know what they're talking about. Surely I will get used to both of the above ;)

Tomorrow is my last day of work in Iowa (for now). We are leaving bright and early on Sunday for Colorado, which I am both happy and sad about. I think it will be awesome to just kind of start our own thing and experience a new setting, but I am not so sure about leaving my family & friends behind. I know it will be fine in the long run & that K will take good care of me, but I can't help but worry a little. In other unexciting news, our puppy is not actually due until July 11th which really kind of sucks. The woman made a mistake on her website and felt really bad, but oh well. We are just ready for a fur-baby.

...And speaking of babies, one of the girls from Alpha Chi sent out an email this morning. She is going to have a baby in January! She graduated 2 years before me and married a guy from K's fraternity. It's crazy to think that they are going to have a child, and that K and I will be in that same boat in a few (long) years. Anyways, I am really excited for her and hope that I will be at least like 27 before I have kids. I'm not ready to give up my princess attitude quite yet.

Well, maybe when we are settled in Colorado I will post a few pictures from the wedding and honeymoon and other recent happenings. But for now, bye!

xoxo

e

procrastination at it's finest

Has anyone else ever noticed that I pretty much only write on here when I could be doing other things? (I say that like multiple people actually read this, ha!)

It's technically wedding week, starting today. I am about 99% sure that most of my friends would rather strangle me with their bare hands than listen to me talk about more wedding stuff. Bare with me, only 6 more days.

This morning, I put 200 stickers on 200 little cellophane bags with the help of my little bro. Some of my guests may think I was drinking during this process, because all of the stickers that Christopher was responsible for are noticeably crooked. That's okay though, after going through this wedding process once, I don't know why more people don't drink during these activities! I also washed like 15 glass containers (without breaking any, yay!) and put the chapstick in it's little bucket. And then I made pizza rolls and thought of more things to do. And then I got on my computer.

In other news, we are moving to Colorado a week earlier than originally planned. Our puppy is also supposed to be born on the wedding day, so I am pretty excited to see that little guy. Also, I got my diploma in the mail...weeee! It's official.

Guess I better go practice my new signature now or something....

xoxo

e